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George Hartwell M.Sc. (therapist)
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Healthy identity growth sometimes requires the death of our
dysfunctional life pattern. The process of dying to an old
personality pattern is so painful that it feels like a nervous breakdown |
©2003 by George Hartwell
M.Sc., Life Transformation Therapist (877) 854-3990 (See: HealMyLife.com)
Thesis: that a nervous breakdown is an
opportunity for Positive Identity Development
Often lay terms convey deep truth and more insight than official
medical terms. "Nervous breakdown" is one such
lay term. Definately not an official medical diagnosis,
however, I like the term because 'nervous breakdown' has deep meaning
to lay people. I believe that lay words of crystalize deep
intuitiions. Lets explore 'nervous breakdown.'
It has been said that a nervous breakdown
means an acute emotional or psychological collapse, but
I would say that it may only be the feeling of being near
to such a time. I believe that we need to go through periods
when it feels like we are in an emotional collapse because life
demands that we grow out of old identity patterns. In these
time of identity transition we will, of necessity, feel identity confusion.
In emotional growth we must shed the old patterns before building the
new ones. And just as there is a time for the snake to shed its
skin; there are times for identity transformation.
While medical doctors whine that "nerves don't breakdown,"
I know this: often a 'nervous
breakdown' is a
significant life crisis, a transition time, an opportunity to leave
behind the old and discover the new or, if not new, perhaps, the real
core identity - the real more natural you. This is a time when a
dysfunctional personality pattern is breaking down, and it is also a
time for a new healthier personality pattern to emerge.
Does "a positive disintagration / nervous breakdown"
come on suddenly? No, not necessarily, it may come in a series of
crisis over several years. You may be in a process of getting in
touch with your inner child over several years. You may have a sense
of confusion and crisis that has lasted several months. What is
happening? Think of it as a family role that became a
personality pattern that is becoming less and less satisfying. As the
process of death of the old identity gains momentum the sense of
depression, confusion and anxiety deepens. This identity crisis
is disturbing, disorienting and frightening because you feel out of
control. Well it isn't easy to die, but the old is dying - an
old personality pattern is being passing.
A personality pattern breaks down is because
it has outlived its dysfunctional purpose. There is too
much cost and pain in maintaining it. There is too little benefit in
maintaining the old pattern. It is time to move on.
Nervous breakdowns can be positive.
While the old pattern is disintegrating a new pattern is waiting to
be born. A new and better you may emerge. This is what I mean by
'Positive Disintegration.'
Positive Disintegration
Kazimierz Dabrowski, a Polish psychiatrist and psychologist,
developed the Theory of Positive Disintegration over his lifetime of
clinical and academic work. The Theory of Positive Disintegration is
a novel approach to personality development. K. Dabrowski coined the
term "Positive Disintegration." (The theory I present is my
own but the general idea of positive disintegration I owe to Dabrowski.) |
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Remember in childhood when the new tooth is ready to come in the old
tooth becomes loose. Then the old tooth falls out. The new tooth
wants to be emerge. In the same way the emergence of the healthy you
pushes the old you along.
In the "nervous break down" we find ourselves shedding our
SELF - like a snake skin. During the shedding process we feel
disoriented, confused about our identity and, therefore we are
anxious. We don't know what is going on and we fear that we are going crazy.
But no. You are not going crazy. You are, however, in a painful
time of transition. You are dying to the old identity and you don't
know what the new will look like. Of course that is confusing and
scary. Yes it is a vulnerable time. I wish for you that someone
around you understood and could guide you through this valley of
death. That guide needs to understand and have faith in the
process. To help guide you through I will supply a road map of
this new landscape.
Guidebook to the Nervous Breakdown
When you feel like you are in a 'nervous breakdown,' it is
likely that you have been stuck in one of two or three very common
personality patterns. If your 'nervous breakdown' is of the
'positive disintegration' type, you are becoming 'unglued.' At
the end of a positive disintegration you will no longer be stuck in
these patterns. You will be free!
Here are some of the personality patterns that go through positive
disintagration. Have you been a 'people
pleaser'' focused on being nice, good, perfect, being
right, not offending anyone.
Are you a 'super-responsible'
lives with self-criticism, tends not to have fun or focus on their
own needs but id always is there to meet the needs of others.
'Super-responsible' says "Yes" to every demand, meets
everyone's need, does work that others should be doing and feels
guilty when anything goes wrong. See also Spontaneity
Attitude Test.
A third pattern that precipitates a time of great distress is the
breakdown of our Self Image as an Idol. This is a little harder
to describe so I will only mention this in passing. For more
information see: Restoring the Christian Family, by John and Paula
Sandford, Chapter 17 - Nebuchudneezer's Image.
John and Paula Sandford
John and Paula Sandford, in Transformation of the Inner Man speak of
the People Pleaser as 'Performance Orientation.' The
"Super Responsible" person John and Paula Sandford
call: 'Parental Inversion.' Their ministry base in called Elijah
House. Their prophetic insights in Christian counselling include
the identification of Performance Orientation, Parental Inversion and
Self Image. |
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I believe that there comes a time in our life when we have outgrown
our familiar personality pattern. We may or may not experience
frustration with the pattern but it no longer works for us. There may
be anger, frustration, depression because we are not happy with ourselves.
(Need to talk: Phone George Hartwell for a phone consultation by
calling (416) 234-1850 or 877 854-3990. Normal fee scale for 60
minutes is $100 Canadian. PayPal can be used. In person
in Toronto, Ontario, Canada $120 for 90 minutes, phone (416)
234-1850. Mini-retreats in Toronto - 3 hours per day for 5 days
- for $1,200 Canadian, phone 877 854-3990.)
How common are nervous breakdowns? According to surveys of Americans
over four decades, 26% of adults reported that they have felt an
impending nervous breakdown in 1996. Divorce, separation and relationship
problems were more likely to cause the feeling an
impending nervous breakdown in the most recent survey. American
Psychologist 2000;55. One source provided a very short list of
symptoms of a nervous breakdown - really just one - Inability
to cope. Wrong
Diagnosis.
Failure of medical perspective: One ot the best descriptions of a nervous
breakdown, from a medical perspective, is written by Sarah Chana
Radcliffe, M.Ed., C.Psych.Assoc. However, she, and the medical
profession, fail to understand is that not
all disintegration is negative. "Positive
disintegration" is the breakdown of a dysfunctional pattern so
that a healthier pattern or personality can emerge.
She says that a nervous breakdown includes some sort of
disintegration of personality – usually temporary. It's as if
the "circuits are overloaded." She describes breakdowns
involving: inability to function, depression, loss of contact
with reality bi-polar (manic) episodes, anxiety disorder, and / or
panic attacks. See Nervous
Breakdown.
I have a problem with this definition that gets us entangled in more
medical diagnostic categories and adds no real understanding or hope.
The 'nervous breakdown,' in my experience, is almost always a
potential opportunity to leave the old patterns behind and move on to
higher integration. What helps is to talk to a therapist who
understands this process. (George Hartwell: 1 877 854-3990)
At some time in your life or mine, we will likely experience life
crisis. We find that there comes a time when we cannot carry on. We
cannot pretend anymore. We cannot hold things together. We cannot go
on in the same pattern of life. The burden of life has become too
much. Our life comes apart.
When this happens we feel we are cracking up. We feel like we are
having a nervous breakdown. We are uncertain about our identity. Our
central beliefs are shaken. We question all that we have striven to do.
Our inner motor runs down: whatever has driven us this far does not
hold the same interest; the work we did gladly does not to bring us
the same reward; the way we have always related to people does not
work for us.
We loose are ability or desire to hide what we are feeling. Our
hardness, our coldness, our reserve, our emotional control is gone - broken.
We find ourselves more in touch with our emotions. We cry easily. We
are easily touched. Our heart is on the surface.
Times like this need to be expected. Consider them normal. It is a
normal life crisis.
If you can't find a professional therapist with the wisdom and grace
to know what is breaking down and how to support you in the process,
I will provide phone support. (1 877 854-3990). A phone consultation
with me can help your sanity, reduce anxiety and give you
understanding and direction. You may learn that you are not crazy! 30
minute or 60 minute appointments can be scheduled at $50 or $100 per session.
If you fail to find the resources you need you may turn to things
that hurt others or yourself. The solutions we turn to, rather than
getting professional help, often increase are problems. We begin to
give up hope in life. We feel helpless to understand or change our
lives. In other words, we can spiral downwards.
What is happening? What is the power and process of the experience
that feels like a nervous breakdown? How can consulting a
professional help prevent this crisis from spiraling out of control?
Let us look at the dynamics of a nervous breakdown.
The dynamics of a 'nervous breakdown'
Of course nerves do not break down. But it is a common observation
that physical development is characterized by periods of
consolidation followed by periods of disorganization then a higher
level of consolidation. This process happens almost yearly for the
first few years of life.
In cognitive development and in the model of Jean Piaget - a Swiss
Psychologist - cognitive development passed through distinct stages.
In his theory, the child develops a conception of the world called a
schema. New information is incorporated into the existing scheme. He
calls this assimilation.
In Piaget's rich thinking there are also times when the existing
schema cannot adequately incorporate the new information. The schema
needs to be dismantled and replaced with a new schema. This more
revolutionary process he called: accommodation.
In science when the existing scientific models cannot hold the new
data gracefully there comes a time when scientific models must
change. This revolutionary change is called a Paradigm Shift.
My thesis is that our personality adjustment experiences similar
periods when the old patterns break up so that a new more functional
pattern can take their place. In my view a higher level of
organization may follow a period of disorganization. Disintegration
may be followed by integration and consolidation in a healthier
place. I will, after Dabrowski, call such a process Positive Disintegration.
What drives us into this period of personality disintegration? Is
there an inner wisdom or destiny that insists on fulfillment in our life?
We can posit an inner discontent that grows when our
personality adjustment is not bringing us the rewards that we long
for. When the divergence between our real inner needs and the
feelings generated by our current personality adjustment is great,
and when this short fall continues over a long time, this inner
discontent grows in strength. I would posit that a high level of
discontent results in a time of depression or a time of nervous breakdown.
What is happening to me?
Almost by definition when you experience a nervous breakdown you will
not know what is going on. You will be confused and fearful as you
ask: "What is happening to me?"
I like Dabrowski's insight that we can have times of personality
confusion and disorganization that result in higher integration. This
insight is positive and gives hope to those in such a time.
It will help if your counselor understands this process and is able
to support you through it. It is reassuring when someone clearly
understands what you are going through and are confident of the
possibility of a positive outcome. In such times we need hope.
Anxiety, panic attacks, depression
My experience with such breakdowns leads me to posit two different
types of personality adjustment that break down. In both cases the
nervous breakdown will be characterized by anxiety, perhaps panic
attacks, depression and identity confusion.
Identity confusion
The clinical indication of identity confusion is the repetitive use
of the sentence: "I don't know." One use of that sentence
is an immediate clue that there is identity confusion and repetitions
confirm it. Usually a client will confirm my sense of this when I ask
them if it is possible that they are going through a time of identity confusion.
At such times I reassure clients that I will be with them in this
process and help them to clarify and consolidate their identity. With
some clients this means that I need to point out that their attention
is too much on the other people in their life and I am not hearing
them talk about their own feelings, observation, thoughts and choices.
The people pleaser pattern
People pleasers as children learn or decide that their position in
the family and the love they receive is dependent on their good
behaviour. Some of the natural expressions of childhood are stifled
in order to 'be a good boy' or 'be a nice girl.' Some pretending
occurs. A false personality emerges that pleases the key people in
the family and ensures continued love and avoids rejection and isolation.
As adults people pleasers continue to focus on others. Others define
what is expected in each situation. Rather than developing an
independent self with independent tastes, thoughts, feelings, needs,
choices and personality, the adult continues to define life in terms
of doing right, avoiding offending anyone, going along with what is
expected, never getting angry, never being assertive or standing up
for oneself.
To the extent that the People Pleaser adjustment fails to meet our
real inner needs an inner discontent will build up. We will find
ourselves dissatisfied with our life. If married we may come to the
wrong belief that our marriage partner is why we are discontent when
it is our own dysfunctional life pattern that must go. We can go up
different blind alleys to find what is missing in our life and just
cause pain for our loved ones and ourselves.
The over-responsible / codependent pattern
Have you been told that you are too serious? Have trouble having fun?
Take on the cares of the world? You could be caught in the
over-responsible personality pattern.
The over-responsible person may have been the oldest child in a large
family and given much responsibility. Perhaps mother and father were
not there to care for them or their siblings and that responsibility
fell heavily upon their shoulders.
If either parent is emotionally immature, out of control, demanding
of care, the child may become super-responsible. This includes
situations where a parent is alcoholic and loosing control when
drunk, when a parent is physically abusive or sexually abuses the
child. In such situations the child tries to grow up too fast. We
lose our childhood.
If the marriage looks unstable to the children or parents are
physically or emotionally harming one another in ways that frighten
the child. If there is a lot of arguing that scares the child. In
each and any of these situations a child may react by developing the
over-responsible pattern.
Adults who grow up with this pattern have trouble with boundaries and
try to do too much. They have trouble co-operating with others and
trusting that others will do their part.
Such adults are often very caring people and very attentive to the
needs of others. They are very responsible and can be counted on to
be the pillar of the family, church or business. They tend to feel to
blame when anything goes wrong. They feel they must respond when
anyone has a need. They feel guilty easily and live with a lot of self-condemnation.
The over-responsible pattern breaks down because the over-responsible
does not take care of themselves. They do not see that their own
needs are met. They may burn themselves out trying to help everyone.
They may become depressed when it is clear they cannot rescue their
family or save their marriage from collapse. They feel they have
failed at their life calling, that they are a failure.
When professional help is needed!
I have already suggested that a counselor that understands, supports,
gives hope and can support and encouraging a client's identity is
helpful. In the midst of a life crisis support and strategic guidance
is appreciated and helpful.
If the crisis is not too severe, and does not involve the breakdown
of the marriage, it may be possible to provide core belief therapy.
The personality adjustment is based on care beliefs that can be
challenged and replaced with more positive beliefs.
Listening Prayer Therapy
My own particular therapy for this is my own "Listening Prayer
Therapy" which involves a variety of strategies and techniques
for healing the cognitive core of the personality. I make use of
prayer and the imagination to discover core beliefs that were
established during childhood and to successfully replace these with
healthier beliefs.
For the People Pleaser just coming to an understanding of
unconditional love can be life transforming. A belief in
unconditional love is easily supported in Biblical texts such as
"God so loved the world that He gave his own son" (John
3:16) and church theology of salvation by faith alone not by our
works. I have seen a discussion of this with one in the Christian
tradition be life changing.
Stop inner self-abuse
The over-responsible person may need encouragement for disengaging
from carrying the weight of the world. There is a healthy place for
learning to let go of the load and let God be God and carry more of
the weight. Jesus call: "Come unto me you that are weary and
heavy laden and I will give you rest" is worth meditating upon
(Matthew 11:28).
I expose the pattern of inner abuse and condemnation and work to
break that pattern and substitute healthy self-care. The use of a
transactional analysis Parent-Adult-Child diagram to explain this has
always been well received.
Core Belief Therapy
The People Pleaser lives with the belief that I must do right to be
loved. Unconditional love says that we have a right to be ourselves
and that we are loved when we win and when we lose, when we are good
and when we are naughty, when we laugh and when we cry, when we are
sad and when we are mad. We have an identity worth discovering and
expressing. We only know that we are loved when we take the risk of
being real rather than pretending and putting on a show.
The Over-Responsible believes that the sky is falling and my job is
to hold it up. Nobody else can be trusted to do their part I must do
it all myself. They believe that their role in life is to keep the
peace, to mediate, to keep the boat from rocking. They must learn to
trust God and others to do their part; learn it is okay to share the
load; that they are not responsible to save the world and they are
not God.
At the next lecture I will share how I use the methods of
"Listening Prayer Therapy" to bring about significant
transformation of core beliefs in people's lives. I am pleased to
report that when we call out to God to "Heal my life" using
the methods of "Listening Prayer Therapy" that God's love,
truth and power are there to touch our lives. Lives are being healed
and transformed fundamentally and quickly.
© G.C.H. <>< 2003
George Hartwell M.Sc. has 30 years experience as a Life
Transformation Therapist and holds a masters degree in clinical
psychology from the University of Calgary, Alberta, Canada. You may
arrange for a personal session or marriage retreat with George by
calling 1 877 854-3990. His practice is called Agape Christian
Counselling of Toronto, Ontario, Canada. The Toronto number is (416) 234-1850.
Comments on this article: E-mail
George Hartwell
Comment from the UK: "Thank you George for helping me to
understand what I have been going through. I read your paper on
Nervous Breakdown and I cried. A true reflection of what I have been
going through over the last 3 years. I don’t feel so frightened
about shedding my skin anymore. Cheers."
phone: (416) 234-1850 (Toronto, Canada Eastern Standard Time)
Phone appointments are $80 Canadian per 60 minutes of phone session.
Other articles by George: