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The Avoidant Personality and Silent Divorce The Avoidant Personality and Silent divorce is © George Hartwell, all rights reserved, June 2006
Your comments or questions on "Silent Divorce the
Non-intimate Marriage" are appreciated.
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There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight.
One rule of life is that the greater our fear of life the greater we need to control. Frightened and insecure, such people will controle in order to remove the risk of living. They will control appearances to ensure approval. They will control their family members to reduce risk.
One extreme of this is the physical and emotionally abusive spouse where the threats and or violence will bring the partner into total abject submission. This abuser (includes battering) destroys the ability of the partner to express their own thoughts or opinions because of physical abuse or the threat of physical abuse. Given enough time the 'life avoidant' abuser will destroy the unique person their partner is. They will crush their spirit. True marriage ends with this 'loss of a partner' and silent divorce results.
A less extreme Life Avoidant Personality brings death to the marriage relationship, and their partner's self-confidence and identity, over longer time with less obvious abuse. This person may be male or female. Female patterns are always more subtle; not in the open, harder to detect. Husband may not know what is going on. She can quite easily keep up appearances while avoiding intimacy, undermining the individuality of her partner and escaping true marriage into silent divorce - a pretend marriage.
Silent divorce is fine with the "Life Avoidant Personality." In silent divorce they have the emotional stability they desire - without intimacy. They have the status and safety of being married. If her partner stays in this silent divorce it could become the death of him. He will be trained to avoid expressing emotions, confronting issues head on, talking about 'negatives,' raising any objections to their life style and her increasing control of their life. This could manifest in him with emotional problems such as depression and 'an anger problem.' It may manifest as physical disease - some sickness. It might increase any tendencies in him to find escape in drinking, drugs, gambling or sexual addictions.
All of this is very serious. We are talking life and death; truth and pretense, health and disease. But it does expalin one thing. In jesus teaching he portays the Life Avoidant Personality in the Parable of the Talents. Read this story. If you had not heard what I said above about the Life Avoidant personality you might wonder why the judgement in the parable is so severe.
In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant “wicked, lazy servant” ends up losing what they have. Then that worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness! This one is called not just "lazy" but a "wicked" servant.
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is no life! Without the courage to live, there is death.
I will explain more about how the 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. But first a little more about the signs of a life avoidant personality.
I am quite focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave).
I decorate with soft weak colours (nothing bold). Windows are not exposed - for exaample, many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.
I avoid exposure, public display (even nakedness with my mate). I am real big on privacy!
Avoid decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel.
I have a tendency toward being housebound: live a life at home, within the home, about the home and don’t venture far away from home.
Unwilling to venture out into the world in various ways: perhaps, in cottage life, trying new skills, a career change, taking up a challenging sport.
ONE. Number one point is the need to avoid intimate communication. But it goes beyond that. The avoidant partner may avoid all personal communication, all adult consultation with their partner, all playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback. How they do this varies but they will impose this pattern which leads to silent divorce.
The net result of the avoidance of communication is that their partner will be lonely and feels alone in the marriage. vulnerable for communication intimacy.
TWO. The second point is the avoidance of physical affection. Yhe avoidant partner may minimize all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together. If this is the case both partners will end up ‘touch’ starved.
THREE. Regarding the sexual relationship. This may be avoided for the most part. When the genital sexual relationship does occur heart to heart bonding may be avoided. This is done by avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one another’s spirits is missed.
FOUR. Consultation and shared decision-making. When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
FIVE. Life by rules. There may be a tendency to control by making life run by rules. When corrected on a small point the life avoidant person may make a rule: "I will never do that again." This is something like living in a prison of 'inner vows.' A cage of unalterable rules is built over time. Life becomes very structured and rigid.
In a marriage with a Life Avoidant Partner both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal one’s heart, rekindle one’s passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to one’s soul.
By God’s design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to one’s wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (through the burial of the possibility by intimate communication) the gift of togetherness that God gave begins to fade. And, in time, that powerful God-given oneness does die. Silent divorce ensues.
Want more information about the avoidant personality? See: Avoidant Personality - A Dialogue where I answer some questions from a man who believed he was engaged to an avoidant personality.
On my Blog HealMyLife.blogspot.com
see Avoiding
Love.
On my web site: www.ex-harmony.com
see what happens if we mess with God's plan for love, sex and
marriage. What happens if we avoid
close personal encounters that create the marriage bond or the love bond.
