Being a people pleaser and losing out on love, life and identity

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George Hartwell M.Sc.

People Pleaser, and Losing out on love

By George Hartwell M.Sc.

My childhood family had a culture and rules that reinforced people pleasing. John and Paula Sandford call this Performance Orientation.

Both mom and dad lived out some of the principles of people pleasing. They had Performance Orientation.

For example, dad judged his worth by how well his children were doing.

Mother came from Iowa, where certain values were agreed on by all: attend church, don't drink and don't swear. The religious culture meant be nice and not disagreeable. As Mom would say: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

What is wrong with being nice. How can being good be bad. Is there something unhealthy about the 'religious' values of this community. Don't we all want to go back to the "Father knows best" life style?

People with a clear sense of identity, boundaries, passion and goals do offend people. For example, Jesus offended people. He knew who he was and who he represented and did not back down.

I learned to sacrifice my identity and my passion. We lived by mom's motto of "Peace at any price." Although it was unspoken mom also enforced a code of behavior of not sharing personal issues, of not expressing anger, of non-contact among syblings.

And what was the price of all this?   What harm came from always looking so good? Explore this with me.

When I sacrificed being real, open, direct, personal, passionate, aggressive and expressive in order to gain my mom's approval, what happened to me?

I lost some things that are priceless to me and that make it difficult for me to be a loving man and a courageous man of God.

I gave up my Real identity and substituted 'good boy' and 'Mr. Nice Guy' personality. A priceless loss.

I shut down the possibility of love, bonding and adult intimacy because I gave up being real and expressing my emotions.

I lost my masculinity, my masculine will, my backbone. As a result I would not be with protecting me loved ones and fighting injustice.

I lost the ability to think clearly. Confused about my identity, my thinking became confused.

With the loss of aggression I lost the energy and motivation to accomplish my goals with passion; that the expression of anger was at times helpful.

I became indecisive; had trouble making decisions and was slow in making decisions.

I lost the ability to lead or to speak with authority.

I lost the expectation that there would be people to love me, that conflicts could be resolved, that people would acknowledge how I felt.

I was over 30 when John and Paula Sandford taught me about Performance Orientation. Recognizing myself, I prayed with my pastor; confessed the sinful identity and asked Jesus to transform my life.

My life as a people pleaser experienced some instant change and some ongoing changes. I now entered a process of reclaiming my identity as a spontaneous, creative, clear thinking (and sometimes angry) child of God.

It is hard to believe and hard to explain that being a people pleaser had ruined my love life, damaged my career and fueled an unconscious rebellion against God.

My people pleasing trained me to behave by a set of rules of right and wrong. This put me out of touch with my feelings and my inner self.

Putting on a phony role of "good boy who follows the rules and does what is expected" resulted in a gradual but profound loss of my true identity. Being out of touch with my inner core, I failed to develop my own tastes, speak with my own voice or take the risk of expressiveness, love and being creative.

While I was a people pleaser, I gradually ruined my ability to think clearly for myself; my judgment became impaired; I became a slow and plodding decision-maker. In part this is because, as a people pleaser, I was committed to conflict avoidance. In order to avoid conflict my subconscious mind automatically screened and suppressed all information that might be controversial or lead to conflict.

Procrastination was fueled by my need to be perfect. People-pleasers don't want to make a mistake.

It has been many years since I first heard about Performance Orientation and took it to God in prayer. Gradually I have reclaimed a sense of who I am and what I like. I am learning to love, to be creative, to express myself and think for myself. I am sure this all delights God who wants me to be free to develop into a mature son through experiencing life and learning to listen myself, to him and to others.

George Hartwell M.Sc. holds a Masters of Science in clinical psychology which included training in Marriage counselling . counseling, therapy, counselor, counsellor

FEES:
Fee for a marriage and family counselling session is $100 per hour. family marital therapy counseling

His empathy and discernment in marriage counselling has been sharpened by over 30 years experience. More about George: About Us

LOCATION:
Office is 1454 Dundas St. East in Mississauga, Suite 125. Main intersection: Dundas and Dixie.

How others benefited from Marriage counselling sessions with George: testimonies.

Intensive marriage counselling involves 3 hour sessions at my office. A week of three hour sessions can provide original insights, solutions and relationship healing. (Called a mini-retreat.)

To learn how accountability is provided through a Board of Reference.

PHONE:     Marriage and family counselling Within the GTA - Greater Toronto Area - Toronto, Mississauga, Brampton and Oakville:
    (416) 234-1850

George is a member of the OACCPP - Ontario Association of Consultants, Counsellors, Psychometrists and Psychotherapists.

E-mail:
e-mail G Hartwell

He provides marriage counselling, couples counseling, family, marital and premarital therapy.'

PHONE: (416) 234-1850

Articles

People Pleaser, and Losing out on love

By George Hartwell M.Sc.

My childhood family had a culture and rules that reinforced people pleasing. John and Paula Sandford call this Performance Orientation.

Both mom and dad lived out some of the principles of people pleasing. They had Performance Orientation.

For example, dad judged his worth by how well his children were doing.

Mother came from Iowa, where certain values were agreed on by all: attend church, don't drink and don't swear. The religious culture meant be nice and not disagreeable. As Mom would say: "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all."

People with a clear sense of identity, boundaries, passion and goals do offend people. For example, Jesus offended people. He knew who he was and who he represented and did not back down.

I learned to sacrifice my identity and my passion. We lived by mom's motto of "Peace at any price." Although it was unspoken mom also enforced a code of behavior of not sharing personal issues, of not expressing anger, of non-contact among syblings.

And what was the price of all this? What harm came from always looking so good? Explore this with me.

When I sacrificed being real, open, direct, personal, passionate, aggressive and expressive in order to gain my mom's approval, what happened to me?

I lost some things that are priceless to me and that make it difficult for me to be a loving man and a courageous man of God.

I gave up my Real identity and substituted 'good boy' and 'Mr. Nice Guy' personality. A priceless loss.

I shut down the possibility of love, bonding and adult intimacy because I gave up being real and expressing my emotions.

I lost my masculinity, my masculine will, my backbone. As a result I would not be with protecting me loved ones and fighting injustice.

I lost the ability to think clearly. Confused about my identity, my thinking became confused.

With the loss of aggression I lost the energy and motivation to accomplish my goals with passion; that the expression of anger was at times helpful.

I became indecisive; had trouble making decisions and was slow in making decisions.

I lost the ability to lead or to speak with authority.

I lost the expectation that there would be people to love me, that conflicts could be resolved, that people would acknowledge how I felt.

I was over 30 when John and Paula Sandford taught me about Performance Orientation. Recognizing myself, I prayed with my pastor; confessed the sinful identity and asked Jesus to transform my life.

My life as a people pleaser experienced some instant change and some ongoing changes. I now entered a process of reclaiming my identity as a spontaneous, creative, clear thinking (and sometimes angry) child of God.

It is hard to believe and hard to explain that being a people pleaser had ruined my love life, damaged my career and fueled an unconscious rebellion against God.

My people pleasing trained me to behave by a set of rules of right and wrong. This put me out of touch with my feelings and my inner self.

Procrastination was fueled by my need to be perfect. People-pleasers don't want to make a mistake.

George Hartwell M.Sc. holds a Masters of Science in clinical psychology which included training in Marriage counselling . counseling, therapy, counselor, counsellor

Contact:

For Sessions with George, Retreats or Phone Counseling: counselling

E-mail: e-mail G Hartwell