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The Program and the PitThe Unconscious Roots of People Pleasing or Performance Orientation - Core Beliefs
© George Hartwell, 2007, all rights reserved. It helps to look at the People Pleaser (Performance Orientation) as having a top side and an under side. The top side - called the Program - includes the assumptions that drive the people-pleasing behaviour. The bottom side - called the Pit - includes a set of memories, feelings, doubts and beliefs in the emotional brain (The Limbic System).
In the shadowy unconscious of the people pleaser there is deep doubt about self worth and lovability. Their heart fears the lack of love and doubts the show of love because it believes that nobody loves me and that I don't deserve love. These thoughts are very sad, frightening and painful. Having doubted that they are loved unconditionally just for who they are, the people pleaser then goes about gaining, winning, achieving approval and love in one way or another. For the human soul this is a fight for survival - for the right to exist. People Pleasing comes in many forms and variations but at the root is the desperate attempt to deny what the heart believes and escape from that reality. The mind of the child establishes various strategies to survive in the emotional environment of his or her family. Those strategies are based on the assumption that if love is not natural, plentiful and given freely by mother and father then it can be gained by one scheme or another by the child. When the program is working one feels good. But success is unstable because the love gained by the program is earned, gained, controlled not freely given. Gaining the prize - the sense of being loved - is enough to maintain the program. However, life is not perfect, people are not always nice, and the real world has confrontation, mistakes, scrapes and failures. Such experiences may act as triggers to the Limbic System - the emotional brain - to recall painful experiences, beliefs and feelings from the Pits. That is why the People Pleaser reacts to confrontation and criticism as if it is a major disaster - a major force of oppression.
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George Hartwell M.Sc. holds a Masters of Science in clinical psychology.His empathy and discernment have been sharpened by over 30 years experience. |
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